Today I’m 31+4 weeks pregnant and my little Squish is still breech. So here I am, trying desperately not to cross my legs as I sit down to study/write this post.
I know that she has a couple of weeks to turn until I should start to worry but my over-anxious mind is worrying already, I can’t help it. I don’t want to have a c-section.
There are two reasons why I’m terrified of having a c-section:
- Call me crazy but I want to experience labour. After all, isn’t labour a woman’s right of passage? This is my first baby, who knows if I’ll have another, I don’t want that experience to be taken away from me.
It’s only recently that I’ve begun to think about labour and the more I think about it, the more I realise that I want to go through it as naturally as possible. The opportunity to go through labour and bring a little life into the world is a gift and I want to experience this gift naturally and to be fully present in the moment. It may be selfish but I want to know that I’ve done this for my baby. I don’t want to feel like I don’t deserve her. She’s a gift and a miracle and I worry that if she’s handed to me from behind a screen, I’ll always feel like I’ve missed out and haven’t tried my best for her.
- The recovery. Funnily enough, I’m not scared about the major surgery. I’m the most squeamish person in the world and the idea of an epidural makes me gag but I’m not scared. I’m scared about the recovery or more importantly, the extra support that I would need.
Pregnancy is tough. I don’t particularly think that I’ve had a difficult pregnancy – I haven’t had cravings that have demanded catering to, I haven’t been overly sick and my mood hasn’t been swinging backwards and forwards (at least not any more than usual, less than usual if anything!) But I’ve needed support and although I can’t deny that Sebastian loves me and will be a great Daddy, he’s been far from supportive. I don’t want this to turn into a boyfriend bashing so I’ll leave it at that, but I worry more than anything that he’ll leave me to cope with the aftermath of major surgery whilst expecting me to be the same Anna that I was before pregnancy. That’s what has happened during the pregnacy and I can’t see that changing. I’m already at a greater risk of postnatal depression because of my history and I’ve struggled throughout my pregnancy to keep my mental health in check (for the record, I’m very proud of how I’ve been doing) so I really do worry, for myself and for my baby, that without the support there it could be very difficult.
I know that at the end of the day, what will be will be but that’s not going to stop me from spending half my time upside down or from sending a lot of positive energy to my little girl to try and persuade her to turn!
Come on little Squish, you know you want to turn for Mummy!